The Threes of Tragedies

I usta say Take Care...

My Midwestern upbringing lent itself to my use of the colloquialism 'take care' when parting company. At age 24 I returned from the Peace Corps. At that point I started using 'love ya' interchangeably with take care. My female friends understood, but some confusion remained among the male contingency. So for them, I said, "take care" and to my girlfriends "love ya". And everyone seemed to understand.
After returning from the Peace Corps, I had a heart-to-heart with my younger cousin Malcolm. I knew he was going through a really tough time. When I hugged him good-bye that Christmas. I parted with the words, "Take care of yourself, Malcolm". The following Spring, he bought a used car for a thousand dollars, drove to a park and connected the exhaust to the window. He heeded my words.
Fast-forward to July of 2008. All the siblings except one were home for Dad's birthday. Clem was on his way to church. My family was headed to Indianapolis. We shared a sideways hug and then I said, "Take care, Clem." I would never see or touch him again. Now? Now I say any of a number of parting words, including, but not limited to:  safe travels, good-bye, adios, see ya, love ya, au revoir, hasta la pasta, a demain, a toute-a-l'heure, manana, so long, but never 'take care'. I reply, 'you, too' when I hear it, but I will never again utter those words to someone I love. I don't think my proclivities will keep my friends and family alive, but I'm not taking any chances. Adieu.

Five Years Gone By...

Last month marked the fifth year anniversary of Clem's death. Our lives have changed in so many ways since. Nobody will ever understand my relationship with Clem. I cannot describe it in words...though that won't stop me from trying. I've often said that he was my first best friend. I bonded with him almost instantly and would have followed him anywhere as a child. As an 18-yo, I followed him to college at the University of Iowa. We talked my parents into letting me move there upon high school graduation. Dad said that I could spend the summer there if I could find a job within a week. He didn't think I could. With Clem's help, there was no way I could fail. I landed a housekeeping job at a nearby swanky hotel by Thursday of the week. Dad sounded disappointed. I was overjoyed. I later discovered that my younger sisters had some ill feelings about me leaving 'early'. I think that eventually they forgave this.

Where am I with the loss of Clem? My answers are in my heart, which is the only place that I will find answers because the circumstances of his death were such that some old white men in high places actually stood to benefit from the elimination of my brother, his knowledge, and his conscience. I don't really believe in hell, but if there is one, surely this 'trifecta of evil' will burn eternally, for I believe that they have traded their souls and humanity for the love of power and control. Fate, karma, god or some force will punish those responsible. I hope I live long enough to witness it. And then I take a deep breath and cleanse myself of the negativity that these men in power have brought to our nation.

I miss Clem, but not with the desperation I once did. I do feel his presence and his love; I still talk to him from time to time, and think that I always will. And I still feel cheated.

Dream On...

So Clem has returned to my dreams. I feel like my life is falling apart around me. He made a cameo in a dream last night in which he was there to tell me, I think that he is still protecting me.

A Close Call

After our missed liaison in IC, Clem flew to our home town. His goal, at this point was talking to Mom to persuade her to be evaluated by a psychologist so that she might be able to drive legally again. In IC, my role was to help Clem brainstorm strategies in order that he feel more secure in broaching the subject. I wanted to do this for him. Circumstances beyond my control led me to stay home. In one respect, my partner was acting controlling, one relative was lying to me about her whereabouts, and my kids were the slightest bit sick. So I didn't go and spent the time on the phone with him as he toured the places around IC where I hung out and where I worked as a bartender. I missed it. That was 2 months to the day before Clem was killed.

After Clem spoke with Mom and Dad, because we also needed to address his behavior as well, Mom had an 'incident' where my nieces were in the camper down by the lower concrete platform of my parents' house. Mom was at the top of the steps, she turned to leave and had what we can only guess was a mini stroke. By the grace of god or fate or something, Mom missed the concrete platform. When paramedics arrived, her blood pressure was 200/100. I replayed this and many memories shortly after Clem's death. I love my Mom, but wondered why God didn't take her that day and spare Clem. Mom has longed for death for as long as I can remember, saying that she knows she will go to heaven because she has lived through hell on earth. We would have grieved, mourned and missed Mom, but it wouldn't have torn at our hearts and souls like losing Clem.

The Damage Done...

I think I may have mentioned earlier that 2 of Clem's 5 siblings have had a relationship break up since his death almost 18 months ago. For myself it is directly related to his death. Two months before his death was the last time we were planning to see each other. He was taking his kids to our alma mater, the University of Iowa. He wanted his oldest child to attend college there, as he had. I was to meet him there since things were rather hairy on the home front. Dad was goading Mom, as usual, but now she had begun to retaliate physically...the tables were turned. But we were concerned for other reasons as well. She was receiving many different prescriptions from 3 different doctors in order to treat her MS. She is irrational and alienates people in positions of authority. We always called it selective reality. This time she became angered at her neurologist and was no longer seeing her. She was passing out on an almost daily basis and falling down a lot. She has osteoporosis, as well, so falls are even more serious for her.
Clem and I, along with our youngest sister were sharing e-mails back and forth during this time about their well-being. The sister who is directly in front of me in birth order tries to stay out of the fray. She was helping in a different way. A PhD in nutrition and immunology, she was trying to persuade dad to send her a list of the medications mom was on. He read some of them over the phone to her and she said that some of them were uppers, some downers, and some used to treat some of her symptoms also are used to treat high blood pressure. My family has a history of low b.p. No wonder she was fainting, or nearly fainting every time she went from a laying or sitting position.
My younger sister, Jem, stayed out of the fray due to her 'changeling' status in the family. She recognizes the dysfunction and resents being delivered to the parents who bore her and, at times, the family in which she was born. My younger brother, the youngest of the family, and his wife live too close to the situation to deal with it. I tend to take the role of rescuer/peacemaker in many situations to the point where I will sacrifice my own happiness for that of others in my family. I am trying to change this, to be assertive and stand up for myself ever since seeing this behavior manifest itself in my older boy. My youngest sister, I think I have called her Cepe before is compulsively controlling. She has always wanted our family to 'just be normal'. In turns, she has been judgmental of and embarrassed by the two 'middle' children, Jem and me. In this situation, as in many, Clem listened to Cepe, as he normally did. After Cepe started working for a republican senator, Clem grew closer to her. Clem and my younger brother Spec became closest when Spec divorced his abusive first wife. I think Spec always respected Clem, this was the time, as adults that they really bonded.
Many e-mails went back and forth among the sibs about Mom and Dad. At one point I mentioned that I would love to meet Clem in Iowa City (IC). It had been a LONG time since I'd been back and I really like spending time with Clem and his family. The last two attempts I had made to visit the state where they lived had been thwarted, the first due to a kids' party and the second, in July 2007 because they would be in El Salvador working on the mission Clem and his wife had started with the help of their church. I was REALLY bummed about this one b/c Jaybe, Brick and I were going to be en route from WI to Cape cod, by car. I was at the beginning stages of my pregnancy with Puddles. I wanted to make the announcement in person. We ended up driving pretty much straight through, with 2-4 hour driving stints and trades and naps. One of the worst trips I have ever taken. And I have taken a lot.
The trip to IC, for my family, fell apart. To this day, that is my biggest regret in life. Coming up: "A Close Call" 10/18-10/19/08

Oh Clem...

Last night was the first night in about a week that I got tired on my own and had to fight to stay awake. So what do I do? I became obsessed with finding a particular picture of you. I still haven't found it, though I found a sweet pic of you and Austin when he was a baby. It was taken at aunt Jeri's one Easter. You are both wearing stripes. God, how you love those kids. and Heather. I'm fairly sure I know how you died, Clem. The question that my heart longs to answer is "Why??" Why did the God to whom you were devoted take you so early. Why did evil win out in this case, Clem? You could have done so much more good alive than dead. You would have had your chance to confess your sins and be cleansed of them. What went wrong? At first I blamed Grandma Julia. I love her so much. She was like a surrogate mother to us--you and me. I think God took Uncle Dick the year before as a sort of way to get us our family prepared for G.Julia's death. And to protect her from Grandpa, if by some chance he actually made it into heaven, now that the Roman Catholic church does not have a limbo. When I went to the grocery store the other night, I asked you to send me some songs on the channel of my radio station. You sent 'whole lotta love' and 'the Rose'. I thank you for that.