The new year brings with it a reflection on the past. I believe that this reflection is meant for use as a foundation for building upon the things that we view as favorable and changing those that we find annoying or harmful to ourselves. The previous year for me was, in part, a lost year. This I say because I spent much of the year inside my head. Most of that time was spent thinking about Clem. Taking inventory of who I am now, without the living presence of my brother, trying to answer the many questions that surround the circumstances of his death, and holding on to his memory occupied a good deal of the internal time that I spent during the year.
And, in many ways, the year was not lost. This was the year that, I hope, started a shift in my immediate family's dynamic. The year that my partner and I decided to work together rather than live apart. The past few months, I have begun to see my partner's potential as a father. I, too, have changed. Clem's death made me more determined than ever. In life, he was one that I viewed as both a friend and a protector. In a sense, he was somewhat of a surrogate father, since our dad was not one who spent a lot of time mentoring us as children.
I feel as if I have made a promise to my children and myself to not only be the best parent I can be but also be my own best friend. Until I start really loving and taking care of myself, I cannot realize my goal of being a positive role model for my children. The respect I show myself will lend strength to my character as a whole, making decisions easier while rejecting my old, negative self-image influenced by my parents' skewed view of me. My hopes for this coming year and the years that follow are that I will experience a rediscovery and redefining of myself. I plan to honor my needs and strengthen my body, mind, and spirit. What I want this year is a truly new beginning. I want to be who I am, partner, parent, person as I define myself. I long to cast to the wind the self that my parents thrust upon me as a child. I will call that bluff, for I know me; I will allow my emergence and watch in wonder while working in earnest.
